Five things I’ve learned from the heatwave
that probably won’t be of use to me or anyone else
When you are too hot, you physically cannot paint or draw. The channel that connects your brain to your hand will close temporarily. It will feel a bit like trying to walk in a straight line when you are pass-out drunk, or trying to drive in pouring rain without windscreen wipers. This will be the first time the heat has ever stopped you working, and you will be worried about the next time it happens. When you are freelance, if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. You will wonder if you are just going to have to stop working for one week out of every month during the summer? Or will you have to get air conditioning installed? About 90% of conversations you have or overhear during the week will be about his very question, and you will realise that heatwaves make people very dull.
When it’s 40 degrees the beach stops being nice, and relief only comes from a £15 Asda paddling pool. If you go swimming in our polluted English channel, you will find it disturbingly warm, and you will be surrounded by unnerving groups of men. One of which will be treading water near to where you are swimming and discussing shark attacks, and you will feel as gross as before you got in, albeit in a slightly different way. When you sit back down on your towel, you will realise you have pitched up next to a group of lads with roaring lions and union jacks tattooed onto their backs, blaring dance music (God I feel old) from speakers. One of them will keep gobbing over his shoulder onto the pebbles until he catches your eye and blushes like a schoolboy who has been caught vandalising his desk. You will spend an evening with Ali sitting on camping chairs with your feet in Aubrey’s paddling pool and feel civilised and refreshed for a couple of hours.
Having a child who seems oblivious to the heatwave and merrily goes about their business as if it were 21 degrees is oddly heartening, even if they insist on taking a water pistol to bed and squirting you both whilst you read them their bed-time story. You will feel guilty for refusing their demands for cuddles, even the heat wave cannot quell, just as your husband will feel guilty for refusing to play football with him on the baking lawn after school.
If it’s too hot for a sun-worshiping staffy like Ada to work on her tan, then you know it’s too hot. She will spend the week panting and staring at you with her tragic brown eyes as if to say, Mummy, make it stop!
As soon as a heatwave is over, you have to go for a walk in the woods. The dappled patterns of sunlight on the ground and the canopy of leaves above you will make you feel as if you are encased in a cool green world where nothing bad can happen. Moving your body will return your sense of humour to you. You will love your family again and be happy to be cuddled and regain the ability to form a coherent sentence.
Thank you for reading. Please like and share if you enjoyed this. It helps.
I am so glad I am no longer having to dash round the county trying to get to multiple village shows which I have to do a feature for every single one…whilst carrying really heavy camera bag and two massive cameras slung round my neck. The heatwaves remind me of why I was glad to leave Spain where I lived for nearly 4 years. I think your only option will be to go down the air conditioning unit as we are going to get heatwaves more regularly….and as you say…if you don’t work you don’t get paid. For the moment you could have your feet in a bowl with some ice cubes in…fans just move about air which is already hot….you need to cool down wrists or feet.
If you’re not using an electric fan while painting because it makes the paper flap or blows your hair across your face, put it under the table and keep your legs and lower body cool: bliss!